Come, what may

(another random piece)

I woke up this morning, dreading the day to come. But after today, after crying in my sleep last night, and praying over and over again as I seek refuge in Him, trying to find answers to the accumulation of problems that were harboured in me, I finally became myself once again- and had a new lease of life. A new beginning, I would call it.

I began to play Close to Your Head on the guitar, singing along as I strummed my six string. But today, it was different. I used to play this song all the time ever since I learnt it on the net and sing along, trying my hardest to get the 'feel' of the song by imagining the setting of the lyrics revisiting the meaning of each word.

'Today, its a very special day.. it feels like the beginning of something more... Keep it up the stars are close to our heads now.. its a magical feeling that we live in and its happening...'Those words came alive today. It hit me in the face like a ghost stretching out its lifeless hand into your soul and deeper, grabbing your heart till it can feel the sporadic beats of it.

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I couldn't get myself to tell them what I truly felt. And it was so unlike me as I've always known myself to be a rather frank person. Too frank at times it becomes harsh. And there was the time back in those office days. We stepped into the toilet, both rq and I and one cubicle was occupied by another colleague. So Rq went in the other toilet first while I waited for my turn. When the colleague finally flushed and got out, I went in and almost choked. The whole cubicle reeked of bad stools smell and since it was unbearable, I couldn't help but leave the cubicle at once, not minding to wait for rq to finish. But of course, that poor colleague was looking at me, clearly embarrassed for the untouchable crime she committed. But there I stood, feeling the need to explain myself to account for my own actions.

"Wahh _aunty her_name___ haha You shitted right?" I said, smiling, and trying to inject the most humour into it. But obviously, it failed.
"Huer huer... yeah" And turned her way around to wash her hands, a much too sharp, desperate attempt I noticed. And then as soon as rq finished her business, I rushed into it, holding my breath and silently cursing my bluntness, and mentally making a prayer to God to try to change me, and not let others, especially my hapless victim get hurt.

***

Now back to telling them. I mouthed out all those words that I could find in my worn-out, inner being of turmoil. Pour them all out for my dear listeners. and Yes, it felt better,so much better. They in turn, gave me a talk on their feelings, as well as the future implications of the Lord, which I'm really touched by.

I really want to become a better christian and not conform to the patterns of this world. We should be in this world, and not of it. There were so many instances where I just get frustrated at my own self, clearly not acting like what God wants me to be. certainly not christ-like. and we often see many distractions infront of us, ever so willing to envelop us into their own wicked dwellings,just insidiously creeping up into our lives, as unknowingly as it can possibly be. And it frustrates me to see myself influenced by them, and following more closely into the patterns of this world. And I get even more saddened when my family members show signs of a dipping spiritual life, in the things they do and feel. I believe our feelings dictate our actions, and our bodies are just mere puppets while our puppeters are our minds. Rules we think and assume God make, but in truth, they are our own rules, set be our own God, us.

And we cannot just wait and be swallowed deeper into the realms of darkness, but we must, MUST walk in the light. Renew our minds and rejuvenate our souls with His word. Let His light shine forth, his spirit endow us to lead more purposeful lives for Him. Saying all these, and after today, I so wanna spend my time more meaningful and change my ways to His ways. I don't want my holidays to go down to waste anymore. I don't wanna be a rebellious kid any longer, and it hurts my family as much as it hurt myself. And I say rebellious at the word's most subtle form. Uncle David once shared to us a few weeks back that not doing according His will is already a sign of rebellion. I hate my routine life right now. I want things to change, for the better and I just want my family and friends to do the same too. Don't let sin overwhelm and dictate your actions anymore.